It surprises me when I still hear the comment “‘Isn’t This About Reverse Discrimination Against Men?” – but I do, sadly, all the time. Do you?

Last week, I was with a senior leadership team, and one of the executive team members said to me that she had just heard this exact comment as she walked into the tearoom this morning, which made her mad! But she said the question stopped her in her tracks because she didn’t know how to respond, and she was nervous about showing her annoyance.

She said something like:

“I thought we were passed such ignorant comments in this day and age! I thought everyone got it; it’s not about reverse discrimination against men; it’s about levelling a playing field that is clear, not even!”

We went around the room, and each leader shared how he/ she would react and how they would respond. In a room full of leaders who are passionate and forward-thinking in this subject, they all struggled.

The biggest issue seemed to be that they held firm opinions, they felt the question was not valid and that it was passive aggressive at best, AND, most importantly, they were all very nervous that in an age where people start riots about diversity and inclusion issues, what if I mess up completely. My response ended up being public, wrong, criticised, offensive and judged harshly by the team.

Most, as a result of this fear, voted for probably saying nothing at all at the moment: if in doubt, self-protect and say nothing.

I thought it would be helpful to share some ‘at the moment’ responses I have used when asked this question over the years. I don’t profess that these responses are perfect – but they seem to have moved us to a more productive discussion.

Approach 1:

Get really curious. Ask: ‘I am curious why you may say something like that. I’d love to understand your thinking?’ Then, allow the silence to linger. I mean it, say nothing…. You are likely to hear a tongue-twisted response that lacks evidence.

Some other broad questions you could ask could be:

• Do you feel that you personally have experienced reverse discrimination, or is this a general sense? Please explain and share your examples.
• Do you think this is something that all men feel here, or is this your view?

Approach 2:

If a response is received that comes down to one or two examples (which is what I most typically hear), question the examples. Was this really reverse discrimination against men? If the discussion focuses on a woman getting a role when she was not the best person for the job – challenge the concept of merit and the subjectivity of it.

Approach 3

Try the facts and figures approach. If you know the actual data associated with women in leadership roles and the rate of change in your organisation–cite those examples. Typically, those numbers are enough to show that there is no discrimination against men. In fact, on the face of it, the opposite position could be interpreted.

Approach 4

Have a broader debate and discussion that involves others as well. It’s important to set this up as an even debate where all voices are heard (even those opinions that you don’t agree on). Sometimes, airing views aloud and hearing the evidence and the experience of others is enough to make the questioner think twice!

Final Thoughts

I know it’s hard because sometimes the questions and statements we hear about DEI make us mad, they frustrate us, and they can sometimes make us throw our hands in the air and scream, ‘What’s the point!’

My advice, take a deep breath and keep asking. The challenge of DEI is the emotion attached to it and the fear that is often deeply felt by those who have been in the majority for a long time.

The fear and sense of injustice felt by those who don’t fully understand DEI and how it impacts them personally can be very real.

On the other side of the tug-of-war, the frustration felt by those who just want change to happen and who cannot understand the pull against DEI is equally real and causes real stress. 

It’s easy to walk past these comments and hope they will eventually disappear. But will they? I don’t think they will unless we keep explaining, keep challenging and try hard to bring those who feel threatened along for the ride!

It’s an issue for organisations because the data shows that companies do better when they appoint more women to leadership positions. 

So, why then are women still leaving leadership roles in droves? Or, why don’t organisations invest more to grow their female talent pipeline? 

Subtle acts of exclusion continue, leaving women feeling like they don’t belong. This means they leave the organisation creating a ripple that affects engagement, productivity, and collaboration, to name a few. 

In this article, we’re going to dive deeper into women leadership and how an inclusive workplace can make a big impact, allowing organisations to reap even more benefits by having women at the helm. 

Why is women’s leadership important for organisations? 

Having women leaders in influential positions is important because women: 

1. Act as role models for other women in the organisation 

2. Offer unique mentorship opportunities 

3. Have a positive impact on workplace policies  

4. Bring difference to the table 

5. Attract a more diverse workforce 

We also know that women possess different leadership qualities and traits to men and studies show that it’s women who have what it takes to lead effectively. So, rather than acting more like men, it should in fact be the other way around. Men should try to lead more like their opposite sex in order to achieve greater outcomes for their organisation. 

If women leaders are more persuasive, assertive and willing to take more risks than their male counterparts, why are there still so few women in leadership roles? 

The Australian statistics around women in leadership

We hear and read a lot about the statistics coming out of America, but what about Australian companies? 

According to this article on the ABC: 

“Of the 11,000 organisations from which the WGEA (Workplace Gender Equality Agency) annually collects gender data, around one third currently have not a single woman on their boards. 

Of the ASX200 — Australia’s biggest companies — 34 currently have only one female board member, and four have no female board members at all, according to the latest data from the Australian Institute of Company Directors.” 

Furthermore, the study “demonstrated that companies who reduced their numbers of women in key leadership roles suffered a loss in value as a result, of around 3 per cent.” 

When the talent pool is broadened to include women in the pipeline to drive them towards decision-making roles, organisations perform better. 

So, if organisations begin to listen to the research, what do they need to do – what actions have to occur in order to attract, retain, and drive more women into leadership roles? 

What do organisations need to do to increase women leadership?  

The answer lies in inclusion allyship. 

Let me start with a story. 

I had a conversation with a leader recently who shared their experience as part of one of our inclusion programs for leaders. During our conversations they professed “I don’t feel like I’m the best poster child for diversity. I feel like a middle-aged white bloke.” 

It struck me as interesting because, even though they were sharing an example of their inclusive leadership behaviours, this comment made me realise that they possibly didn’t feel like they should be sharing their story – because they weren’t “diverse enough”. 

Here’s the catch – 

We’re all diverse. We’re all unique and we all bring our individual selves to our workplace. Our different styles of working. Our different ways of solving problems. Our different attitudes, beliefs, and backgrounds. 

The issue arises when the diversity isn’t included or considered.  

When the difference is ignored, and we’re encouraged to just do things as they always have been done. When we’re not given the opportunity to question the status quo or change. 

One way to support diversity is to be inclusive and wrapped up in this is also the act of allyship. To be an inclusion ally means that you support all colleagues who feel marginalised because of their difference.  

The thing is, we need the “middle-aged white blokes” to take a lead role because the answer to gender inclusion begins with them. This is because it’s “middle-aged white blokes” who are in the majority and for any minority to rise, they need the support of those who are in the powerful and influential positions.  

We need “middle-aged white blokes” to do more. 

How can organisations be more inclusive? 

Leaders report time and time again that they understand the benefits of inclusion on the workplace and on their people, but they don’t know the ‘how’ behind inclusive leadership. 

The day-to-day interactions that need to occur to build a sense of belonging and increase psychological safety can sometimes be forgotten during times of high-stress and busyness. 

This is why leaders need to build a new set of habits to underpin their leadership styles and ways of working. 

1. It starts with understanding the business case for inclusion – and most leaders get this bit. 

2. Then it’s about moving towards well, what does that look like, sound like, feel like within my workplace – and what does it NOT involve – this is the theory that many leaders haven’t learnt. 

3. Then it’s about experimenting with the newfound skills and habits – let’s be real here, no leader does this unless there is a conscious effort on their part. 

4. We then look at the outcomes of the experiments and see where the impact has been experienced across the business – using a tried and tested tool helps here. 

5. We improve the formula, and we rinse and repeat until the habits are embedded – it’s about creating those synapses in our brain and building that muscle memory so we default to new habits during high-stressful periods.  

Ready to act? 

Being inclusive of any difference – be it gender, age, culture, or ability – will improve your organisation’s bottom line. 

But do your leaders truly understand what inclusive behaviour looks like, feels like, and sounds like? 

Do they willingly have courageous conversations to dive deeper into the difference their people have so that innovation, collaboration, productivity, wellness, and safety skyrockets? 

If not, then I encourage you to find out more about our Inclusion Habits for Leaders Program where we take your leaders and transform their ways of work so that they are more conscious of their micro-actions and understand how these can make a big impact. 

Apply here. 

This puts men automatically on the defensive. Every time they hear the words “male dominated” they feel as if they are being blamed for something, they have no control over.  

Women’s reaction – most women have witnessed or participated in, or even initiated some anti-male sentiment at work and they know it. In a world where the power balance has traditionally favoured men, women feel justified in such behaviour. It seems normal, even acceptable these days to have a stab at men, all in good humour.  

But, a typical women’s reaction to these comments by men is that women see that comments like these don’t appear as harmless to men. They see that even if women consider that sort of behaviour harmless and acceptable, men don’t.  

Why men feel blamed for being men

Women are always surprised to find that man feel blamed for being men.

What women consider a sort of teasing, equates to men as “blaming me for breathing”. So, just as they need to step out of their shoes, women need to step out of their shoes and start to look at their own behaviour from a man’s perspective – that’s only fair, isn’t it!  

The insight for women – many men act this way without even realising it. But women hear the message. It reinforces some of their top challenges.  

Nevertheless, women should avoid making sweeping generalisations about men, avoiding saying “all men are . . .” and treat men as individuals that are at different stages of awareness. 

The insight for men – men need to speak up and challenge women when they feel they are being blamed for being men. Women do have a tendency to see patterns and speak globally about men when they feel they are victims of discrimination. Men should take a stand on this. They should tell women that they feel that they are being unfairly blamed – without blaming women in return. 

So is it true? Are men really getting the short end of the stick in the working world? Are the new rules really working against them? 

The only truth I am really interested in is men’s feelings and how these interact with the feelings of women.  

After listening to many men talk about what it feels like to work with women, I can say with absolute certainty that they really do feel this way.  

Men really are confused and they do feel that they have to be cautious when they are dealing with women. They really do feel they are being unfairly blamed for the way chauvinists have acted in the past and they really do feel that they are paying the price by becoming victims of a policy of reverse discrimination.  

Women may not like what they hear but they have to accept that it is an accurate picture of how men feel and of course, women should listen to men – because men’s challenges shed light on a lot of the behaviour that women misinterpret as dismissive and exclusionary. 

It’s not just that men feel blamed

See the other results from our challenge here:

• Men feel they have to be careful in the workplace
• Male allies feel confused in the workplace
• Men fear being accused of harassment
• Men perceive reverse discrimination

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• I see some job ads and just think that men need not apply; 
• I think the best candidate should get the job, not the best woman candidate but that doesn’t seem to be the way the world works these days. 
• I saw a woman become Chief Executive Officer without any operational experience! Are you going to try to tell me it wasn’t just because she is woman? 
• Why does my organisation need a program for women? Where’s the one for men? 

There are 5 main challenges based on research that men have in dealing with women – some of these may make you bristle. In the last few weeks we have talked about: 

• Challenge 1: Men feel they have to be careful 
• Challenge 2: Male allies feel confused 
• Challenge 3: Men fear being accused of harassment 
• Challenge 5: Men feel blamed

Today we will tackle the fourth one: 

Why men perceive reverse discrimination 

Some men believe that men are slipping further and further down the corporate ladder.

Statistics may not support men’s feelings that men are being systematically passed over for the best jobs, but individual and anecdotal experiences are still feeding their pessimism. Many men take a look at their future and come to the conclusion that because of equal opportunity policies, men’s options are becoming more limited because of them.  

The men who already have established careers don’t feel they are free from reverse discrimination either.  

On a closely related theme, many men bring up the problem of double standards that favour women. 

There is also a feeling that men, and incidentally women without children, are still expected to work harder than women with children.

“Nobody questions it when a woman has to leave early to take care of her children or something, but I am still expected to be there” one man told me. 

Women’s reactions to the reverse discrimination claims

Most women think reverse discrimination is a myth.

They know that some men believe that women are being promoted because they are women, that there is more focus on women in the workforce than men and that qualified men are being overlooked because of this. This does not cut any ice with women – particularly those who work in non-traditional fields and constantly feel they have to struggle to get taken seriously.  

The insight for women is – I encourage women to put these feelings aside when they listen to men talk about reverse discrimination.

Many men do genuinely feel that reverse discrimination is working against them and that perception affects men’s behaviour towards women. Whether, statistically reverse discrimination exists or is justified if it does, is not the point. 

When men feel reverse discrimination, they react with a kind of cynical defeatist attitude. This reaction in turn, feeds women’s feelings that they are being tested all the time. 

Recognise that men’s perception is real for them

Women should encourage men to validate their perceptions. Ask for specific statistics which prove that their perception is a reality and soon men will see that it is not a reality but a myth.

Tell men that, even today, it remains a perception and not a reality but be careful not to blame individual men for their perceptions.  

The insight for men – while employment equal opportunity policies are a reality, reverse discrimination is a myth.

What equal opportunities policies have done is to force employers to be more objective in their decisions. They have to justify their choices now. Traditionally, men have been employed for their potential, while women tend to be employed for their track record and proven skills.

Equal opportunities mean everyone has to be employed according to the same criteria – it’s about levelling the playing field.  

Here is a suggested response from the CEW/ Male Champions of Change Report “Backlash and Buy-in”:

Q: Is this the end of meritocracy?  

A: It’s not the end of meritocracy. We must be equally fair and rigorous in performance expectations and management of all employees regardless of gender. It’s how we traditionally think about merit that is the key and a stumbling block. If, by merit, we mean recruiting and promoting like we have always done, all we are really doing is reinforcing the status quo. Leaders have to ask: Are we looking for people with similar backgrounds, capabilities and experience to ‘mirror’ others who have achieved in a role? If yes, the risk is that this approach favours people with typical career backgrounds and trajectories, often men. Having a clearly defined and future-focused role description, and set of capabilities required for the role, will help to identify the best candidate, regardless of gender, and eliminate gender bias in recruitment processes. Clearly communicating the rationale for new appointments mitigates against concerns for both men and women that recruitment decisions may be target or quota-driven. 

There is another kind of merit. Fix your eye on what we need for the future. A high performer in the past may not be a high performer in the future. We need to creatively conceptualise roles so that potential is part of the equation as well as track record. This naturally expands horizons about the available talent pool for a position beyond the ‘obvious’ or typically ‘meritorious’ candidate. It leads to us elevating diverse experience and diverse thinking. It brings into focus what additional value a candidate will bring to teams and the way we manage our business. Such a view of merit works both ways – to the advantage of both men and women. It is critical that women are not seen as being ‘parachuted’ into roles to meet gender targets. 

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Men say: 

• I won’t even go to lunch with a woman anymore; 
• Do I ask her out for dinner when we are working late? No way! 
• I am even worried when I am alone in a lift with a woman. 

There are 5 main challenges based on research that men have in dealing with woman – some of these may make you bristle. Previous articles in the series include: 

• Challenge 1: Men feel they have to be careful in the workplace  
• Challenge 2: Male allies feel confused 

Other articles in this series include:

• Challenge 4: Men perceive reverse discrimination
• Challenge 5: Men feel blamed

Today we will tackle the third one: 

Men fear being accused of harassment 

 Many men are very concerned about being accused of harassment and terrified of false allegations.

It is hard to overestimate the fear men have of being falsely accused of harassment. Men have seen it or heard about it and are convinced that there is nothing as career limiting as being labelled a “harasser”. Even the suggestion that someone is contemplating bringing an action against them frightens men.  

Women’s reactions – this may come as a surprise to men, but women don’t actually spend a lot of time worrying about the possibility of harassment. Unless they have actually been harassed, in which case it becomes a very real concern.

As one woman put it, “to me it’s pretty simple to see when it’s harassment and when it’s not.”  

The insight for women – when men fear harassment charges it also results in them holding back in relating to women and women now see that they can easily assume this is because a man doesn’t care or is disinterested or distant.

Men do care; they just don’t know how to show it anymore.

Women should understand the degree to which men fear being accused of harassment is a concern – it’s absolutely impossible to trivialise. There is no easy answer as to what women should do.

You have to build relationships and build a level of trust so that men feel safe.  

The insight for men – men are surprised to find out that women don’t really spend much time thinking about harassment.

My advice to them? 

Don’t hold back in your relationships with women. Do your homework and think things through. Women will always welcome a well framed compliment. If you hold back too much, the fun and humour at the office will quickly disappear and when that happens? Everyone loses.  

The unintended side effect of #metoo 

Here it is: an unintended side effect of the #metoo campaign is that good men, who are horrified at the stories and actions of other men, are frozen and opting for ‘inaction’ in the fear that they might do the wrong thing.  

Leanin released research which says that since the recent media reports of sexual harassment, “60% of male managers are uncomfortable participating in a common work activity with a woman, such as mentoring, working alone, or socialising together.”

 If this research is correct – it will have a massive impact on women’s career progression.  

 Why?  

Because women will be excluded and never access the secret ingredients to career acceleration, like:  

• Career sponsorship – we know that that happens by senior leaders having the opportunity to really get to know individuals. That level of understanding is hard to establish without some honest one on one time.  
• Inclusive mentoring – I know that some of the best career advice I ever received came from my wonderful male colleagues- and usually over a coffee, a drink or working hard on a big project together – where chatting and a social element was inevitable.  
• Honest feedback conversations – and we know that women not receiving feedback has been identified as one of the biggest reasons for lack of career progression. 

I could list many more. 

I have worked extensively with men for the last 12 years – and I know for sure that many men are terrified of doing the wrong thing with women! 

In fact, research we did years ago (which from personal experience hasn’t changed) – men’s number 1 fear in relation to working with women – is making them cry!  

Yes, I have had to give CEOs the list of the top 10 things to do if she cries – and explain over and over again the need to give the feedback anyway, despite the tears.  

A little off topic – but I want to add here – I have never given women advice to stop being emotional and not to cry.  

 It really upsets me when I hear that women have been told this. Women have physiological differences to men which make it virtually impossible for us not to cry. For example, we have larger tear ducts, we have different hormones.

I have a good friend who is a senior leader and she tells the tale of blubbering to her chairman as he was delivering hard feedback, tears pouring out of her eyes: ‘ignore my crying, I want to hear the feedback!!’ The poor man was probably traumatised!  

Back to #metoo.  

Here is my view: it’s a desperately needed campaign

I don’t know one woman who has made it to the higher levels of organisations (including myself) who has not had a #metoo experience. Sexual harassment and everyday sexism is not ok and it has to stop.  

However, we need to find a way to reassure good decent men who have been really supportive of gender initiatives not to become passive – and to stay the course. We need to make them feel safe too.  

In my experience, this fear that men feel of being accused of harassment is very real.  

Prior to #metoo I asked a CEO of an institution with over 50,000 employees and a vocal advocate of women, whether, if he was traveling with a female colleague, would he grab dinner with her?  

His immediate response without thinking was no!

I could hear there was real emotion behind that no! The emotion was written all over his face.  

When I asked him what he would do if it was a male colleague, I appreciated his honest response:  ‘If it was another guy, we’d grab a beer and something to eat!’ 

We had a long conversation about what his female colleague would miss out on by not having the social one on one time with him.  He got it. We talked through some strategies.   

However, since #metoo – I can’t help but wonder whether that CEO had reverted to his former, safe habit.   

People – we have a problem when men fear being accused of harassment to this degree!  

We need to rid the world of sexist behaviour and the revolting expectations of a few narcissistic men – but – we also need to make sure that our good decent men (the majority) are not backed into a corner based on the fear of making a mistake!  

In the next article in this series we’ll discuss the fourth challenge – men feel reverse discrimination. 

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Men say: 

• I wish I knew the ground rules with women; do I call you women? Ladies? Girls? Guys? 
• Do I pull out the chair for a woman or don’t I? 
• Is it okay to talk to women about their families at work? 

Most men work in a hierarchical male work paradigm, but the rules are changing and the female workforce is growing and men know it. That leaves most men confused.  

Lots of men say they were brought up to show respect for women, but when this respect from their upbringing comes to the surface, they get mixed signals from women. This leaves men wondering what they are supposed to do.  It causes confusion for possible future male allies.

There are 5 main challenges based on research that men have in dealing with woman – some of these may make you bristle.

Other articles in our series includes:

• Challenge 1: Men feel they have to be careful in the workplace
• Challenge 3: Men fear being accused of harassment
• Challenge 4: Men perceive reverse discrimination
• Challenge 5: Men feel blamed

Today we will tackle the second one:  

Male allies feel confused

Over and over again, men report that: 

• They are brought up to be polite and considerate to women but get mixed signals from women when they behave that way; 
• What they learn from their mother, sister or spouse doesn’t always apply to their female colleagues; 
• They want to help women out by, say, offering them a ride home, but are afraid they will seem like they are coming onto them; 
• They don’t know how a physical contact will be interpreted; 
• They feel that they have to be on guard when it comes to dealing with women. 

And women’s reaction to this is: 

Women don’t understand that what men are telling them is that when they deal with other men at work, the rules and procedures are fairly simple: when men are together there are certain norms and expectations everyone just follows.

Lots of men wonder whether these “men’s rules” are still appropriate in the workplace but between men, they work and they supply men with a comfort zone.  

Men say that they don’t spend a lot of time thinking about things like “how to deliver the message” to other men. Women are often not aware of men deliberating to such an extent when they are dealing with women.

For men and our male allies, when dealing with women, this communication process becomes much more complicated. They get different reactions from different women in different situations – or even from the same type of women.

This leaves men confused and desperately seeking a set of rules they can apply whenever they are dealing with women.  

The insight for women – when men are confused about the rules of how to act with women, or how to communicate things to women, they often end up not saying what they mean for fear of being misunderstood.

That solves one problem, but creates another

It makes women feel excluded.

When men behave with reluctance or hesitance, women feel they are being left out of the loop and pushed out of inner circles where decisions are being made.

Women have to realise that this is not intended. When asking questions for example, women should put them in an open ended and non-blaming way so that they feel included. As we will see later, being included is what women report as one of their main challenges in dealing with male allies! 

The insights for men – men have to accept that there is no single set of rules for working with women. As soon as you start to apply a single set of rules, women will sense it and they won’t like it.

Instead, male allies should try to deal with women as they would with any client or customer: have your antenna up; be constantly aware and looking for feedback. Engage, be interested and ask for information.

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It’s difficult to get men to talk about what it feels like to work with women. When I ask the men about their challenges, many close up – “There are no problems”, they say.  

Men are very, very careful when they talk about women

Sometimes it takes a good 5 minutes of silence before anyone speaks up. They are concerned about being accused of not being politically correct. When they do start to talk, they say things like, “Don’t write this down” and “You can’t put it that way!” They are very concerned about having this conversation. It is uncomfortable for them. 

For women, this alone should provide you with a huge insight into the male perspective on the gender issue. Most women are convinced that men aren’t interested in talking about the gender issue. Women think men are resisting. In fact, men are rather intimidated by the question. 

There are 5 main challenges based on research that men have in dealing with women – some of these may make you bristle.

• 1: Men feel careful in the workplace
• 2: Male allies feel confused in the workplace
• 3: Men fear being accused of harassment
• 4: Men perceive reverse discrimination
• 5: Men feel blamed

Today we will tackle the first one: 

Why men feel they have to be careful in the workplace

Many men feel they always have to be a little on guard with women. They don’t know how women will react in situations in which men’s reactions are predictable.  

Time and again, men report that: 

• They feel that women take things personally and over-react to things that they themselves would just shrug off. 
• They worry about how to deliver negative feedback to female colleagues without offending them. 
• They just don’t know where women are coming from. 
• They fear women will think they are being condescending or discriminatory if they “take them under their wing”. 
• They are afraid of women crying! 

Women are always surprised to learn that men spend so much time thinking about these things and they are amazed at how afraid men are of making women cry.

The insight for women is – women aren’t happy to hear that men really do treat them cautiously but when men talk about how careful they feel they need to be around women, women typically see that what they thought was dismissive behaviour, is in fact, just hesitancy.

This is one of women’s first moments of realisations.

They realise that when men seem to be brushing them off, they are really just being careful and the reason they are being careful? They sincerely don’t know what the rules are. They don’t know how women will react to what they say and do, and they are afraid to offend or to be misunderstood. 

So men often act in ways that make it possible to steer clear of problems, conflict and friction with women and just try to find ways of avoiding these things.

Women should understand that men’s caution is not intended, but that it really is a big challenge for them. They should let men know that there is no need to be cautious with them, and then should share their insights and show that they understand the way men feel.  

The insight for men is that when they hesitate with women and try to avoid problems by skirting around issues, women feel like they are being dismissed and that is one of the reasons why women react negatively to the way men behave.

To solve this, men should try being as direct as possible with women, even to the point of telling them that they are afraid of their reactions. Women will welcome this approach. To them, it will resonate as honest and considerate. We as women can encourage men to do this. 

Interesting – in our research with men, the thought of a woman crying in their office really terrified a number of them. 

In our next article in the series we will tell you all about Challenge #2. 

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This is a question I am commonly asked. My short response is this: 

We need to simplify. Focus on less and focus on things that are really important. That means: have the courage to take a big red pen to many of your ‘diversity’ activities which are nice, but don’t cut to the chase and have the impact and results.  

Right!  

So, on gender diversity, with the goal of simplification, the elephant in the room is actually fundamental and age old: the battle of the sexes!  

Gender diversity issue #1: Men and women don’t understand each other

Much of what goes on to limit the careers of women happens because men and women don’t understand each other! 

Ask yourself these questions: 

• Do you think men and women are different? YES/NO 
• Is gender inclusion important to the future growth of your organisation? YES/NO 
• Have you ever been confused by someone of the opposite gender and where they are coming from? YES/NO 
• Can you think of differences between you and someone of the opposite gender? YES/NO 

What would happen if we could start to bridge the divide and the miscommunication and lack of understanding that arises because of this fundamental difference?  

It’s amazing how little men and women know about one another, I mean, really know about one another.

Men and women think they know a lot about the opposite sex, but in fact, what they have are a lot of opinions.  

Opinions are fine but they are limited in scope, substance and usefulness. Why?

Because we gain our opinions from mapping other people’s behaviour onto our own experience.  

When we rely on opinions to judge the other sexes behaviour, we tend to look for confirmation of what we already believe. We also tend to decide instinctively whether other people are right or wrong instead of really listening to them.  

 Opinions are good for making more opinions but they are not very good tools for learning.

The time has come to put aside your opinions

What you are about to receive are insights.

Insights are discoveries we make when we become aware of something we weren’t previously conscious of. They are about discovery, about alerting your mind to something entirely new, about grappling with something you never really thought about before, about taking a look at the world through an entirely different pair of eyes. 

Like I said, it is amazing to see how little men and women know about each other. The proof?

When women hear men’s challenges, their most common reaction is: “I never realised men felt that way.” 

Men’s top 5 challenges with women and gender diversity

Whether you agree or not, here is what research says men’s top 5 challenges with women and gender diversity are:  

1. Men feel they have to be careful; 
2. Men feel confused; 
3. Men fear harassment charges; 
4. Men feel reverse discrimination; 
5. Men feel blamed. 

 In our next article on this subject we will give you more details on each of these challenges and the issues.  

In the meantime – think about whether you agree that sometimes men experience the above challenges?  

If you are not sure – what questions could you ask or conversations and debates could you strike up this week? How could you get courageously curious?

Now remember, don’t get all ruffled because you strongly agree/ disagree with what I am saying – the fact is, this is the experience of some men, that may not be you! Try not to take the narrow view, which is your world view only (ie ‘I don’t think this or experience this therefore it must not exist at all’).  

Think more in terms of – have I ever heard this? What do other men really think?  

How could I listen, ask, and investigate (rather than get on my high horse!)? 

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We see male champions of change being very vocal – which I applaud (for the genuine!). Advocating for gender equity must be celebrated.

But I can’t help but wonder how many of them, who really don’t have a clue as to what is going on in their organisations, aren’t more concerned about the clear risks of inauthentic messages!  

Now it’s a long time since I donned my legal cap (yes I actually started my career as a lawyer many moons ago – please don’t hold it against me – I was a crap lawyer – and I saw the light very quickly!) But the legal risk of some massive action by women against their organisations seems really obvious to me!  

Let me spell it out:  

The organisation says:  

• “We are an equal opportunity employer” 
• “We have closed the gender pay gap here” 
• “We do not tolerate sexual harassment in this organisation”  
• “We are proudly an ‘employer of choice’ for women” 

When the reality is in the same organisation:  

• Women are leaving in droves  
• Harassment is still not taken seriously – “can’t you take a joke!” 
• The ‘boys club’ is alive and well and retains its sense of entitlement  
• ‘Best person for the job’ is a reflection of the type of person who has always done the job 
• This attitude prevails: If a woman is prepared to do the role for 25% less than her male peers – why wouldn’t a hiring manager jump on the cost saving?  
• An IWD event, a flex policy, an annual report and some loud ‘box ticking’ slaps on the back is all that is required to stand loud and proud 

This equals women in leadership who:  

• Can see through the BS and become even angrier that their organisations are presenting a false outward story 
• Are still facing all the same issues  
• Are in a #metoo environment deciding enough – and opening the can of worms that organisations have been so determined to contain.  
• Are becoming a lot more courageous in their desire to speak out – and they are taking action.  

Organisations need to be VERY careful about what they say when it comes to women in leadership

It’s basically misleading and deceptive conduct to make statements that are patently untrue – and it sets the organisation up for an even bigger risk than ever before.  

Does this mean that the leaders in these organisations are bad, deceptive people?  

No.  

They genuinely believe that they are doing all the right things. They don’t know what they don’t know – and that ignorance is going to come back to bite them.  

CEOs and senior leadership teams are being fed the ‘good news’ diversity story. Diversity leads deliver the positive and rarely the negative. Are leaders asking the right questions? Do organisations ignore the bad and focus on the good to their detriment?  

I was with a leadership team where I was told ‘we have done gender – we are going back in time’ – they practically kicked me out of the room. They didn’t want to hear it.

And yet, in the same organisation – women are exiting at an alarming rate. The retention issue is being masked by furious recruitment drives targeting women!  

Consider the big name organisations faced by poor gender diversity practices

Uber was shaken to its core by the blog of the brave Susan Fowler going viral and unearthing an insidious avalanche!  

Google sacked the man who voiced his opinion and spoke out against gender diversity measures because they were clearly not explained to him properly.  

I don’t know about you – but I smell some very big law suits fuelled by angry women brewing.  

Here’s the truth about women in leadership and gender diversity

The truth is that most leaders and organisations really have their ‘training wheels’ on when it comes to gender diversity. And maybe even their wider diversity and inclusion strategy.

I always underscore to leaders that they must be very vulnerable and honest about this. Admission that you may not get it right, that you are trying and that you really want help may go against the party line of ‘it’s all good around here’ BUT…..being real and authentic will do much to douse the flames and get an organisation to a real solution.  

Getting to a real solution means you need to be open and honest. Yes, warts and all, about the reality. It’s like trying to force the alcoholic to go to AA – it’s never going to work unless he accepts that he IS an alcoholic!  

It’s always easier to help someone who admits they have a problem. 

It’s time for organisations to get their heads out of the sand, stop the ‘ra ra’ and get real about the issues. Otherwise it’s going to cost them big time!

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Let me explain.

I have commonly seen organisations focus their women in leadership strategy on investing heavily in women in the top 3 tiers of leadership. These women are deemed ‘talent’ via the subjective processes that usually go on in organisations. This is a common approach to pushing gender equity in the hopes of success.

But does this formula work?

I struggled against this sort of approach 15 years ago when I launched the first edition of my mentoring women program – My Mentor: Courageous Woman (2006). My hypothesis, based on my own experience as a woman in a large organisation, was that I believed that many women had what it took already – but sometimes need a big PUSH for them to WANT to shine.

That’s why I called my company ‘emberin’ – because I believed that if you stoked the embers inside, if you showed those women that it was ok to do it their way, a fire might just start to blaze. 

I have proved my hypothesis correct time and time again – as we have now mentored over 35,000 women worldwide with the My Mentor Courageous Woman program. It works for women at all levels of an organisation. But the place where I have seen the most profound shift is the pipeline into middle management; the place where you need to build your pipeline to shift the dial on women in leadership.  

Research backs up such gender equity programs

There has been recent research which backs up what we have seen since the inception of the program. 

Here’s what McKinsey/ Leanin research said: 

“Five years in, we see bright spots at senior levels. But companies need to focus their efforts earlier in the pipeline to make real progress.” 

And this:

“To change the numbers, companies need to focus where the real problem is. We often talk about the “glass ceiling” that prevents women from reaching senior leadership positions. In reality, the biggest obstacle that women face is much earlier in the pipeline, at the first step up to manager. Fixing this “broken rung” is the key to achieving parity.” 

We are focusing most investment and effort in women in leadership already – we need to shift approach and take a critical mass PUSH approach for women at pipeline level: 

“A broken rung prevents women from reaching the top. 

Progress at the top is constrained by a broken rung. The biggest obstacle women face on the path to senior leadership is at the first step up to manager. For every 100 men promoted and hired to manager, only 72 women are promoted and hired. This broken rung results in more women getting stuck at the entry level and fewer women becoming managers. Not surprisingly, men end up holding 62 percent of manager-level positions, while women hold just 38 percent.” 

“This early inequality has a long-term impact on the talent pipeline. Since men significantly outnumber women at the manager level, there are significantly fewer women to hire or promote to senior managers. The number of women decreases at every subsequent level. So even as hiring and promotion rates improve for women at senior levels, women as a whole can never catch up. There are simply too few women to advance.” 

Let me introduce you to ‘Martha from Mt Isa’

In creating the first edition of this program in 2006, I created the archetype of ‘Martha from Mt Isa’.

This was because I was disturbed that development programs for women at the time were quite elite – and only really available to senior women. I felt that the target was wrong. She felt that senior women had reached that level in their careers because they had the gumption to take control of their careers. 

I felt that some of the key issues in accessing ‘Martha’ were: 

• Accessibility – she had never visited head office and didn’t need to as part of her role. 
• Cost – her manager just saw her as a ‘good solid worker’ but had limited people development budget – which he needed to allocate to ‘talent’. 
• Attendance barriers – She was time poor, worked full time and had three children – leaving the family to tend for themselves was out of the question and a day out of the office to do a ‘course’ would mean major stress. 
• Visibility – she wasn’t labelled ‘talent’ and no one in head office really knew her.  

The My Mentor Courageous Woman was created with the goal of reaching Martha – so the women who were smart, capable and talented, but generally missed out on development, and were often unnoticed: the untapped pipeline! 

The other factor I took into account when painting her picture of ‘Martha from Mt Isa’ was that HR departments were under-resourced and time poor – even if Martha was noticed, HR didn’t have the bandwidth to reach her.

And so, this program was designed for time-poor HR implementers. Everything is done for you with My Mentor Courageous Woman Facilitator – all you have to do is determine your participants, book dates and off you go! 

Why has this gender equity program had such reach (yes 35,000 women worldwide)?

Quite simply, because it works. 

The My Mentor Courageous Woman program results are measurable, and we have seen some phenomenal results: high promotion rates, increased engagement, higher performance scores, movement across divisions – and many heartfelt personal challenges conquered!

You see our philosophy is that, particularly for women, you can’t just focus on career in isolation – because women have multi- faceted lives – and it’s the other ‘stuff’ which usually causes our career clashes.

We need to focus on our multi-faceted lives in order to unearth (yes – she is already there!) our brave new courageous woman! 

Are you ready to elevate gender diversity?

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